If there was a legitimate study looking to find what the average age was that people were exposed to music for the very first time… EVER, what do you think the results would look like? I’d like to look at every little moment of opportunity we have to hear music for the very first time… EVER! First I’d like to mention that I’ve never had a child or been in a hospital while someone close to me was giving birth so I am rather ignorant on the whole process as far as hospital practice works. But I’m going to use my imagination and, as humans do best, jump to uneducated conclusions in graphic detail.

Straight out of the gate; you’re crowning. Congratulation? Not yet, be patient! First the top of your head. Then your “eyebrows”. Then right as your eyes are about to show, your ears flap out and boom, you are charmed with the sounds of the outside world (that is if you are born with hearing. Grim, I know, but let’s be realistic here). As long as we’re frozen in this moment, we can hypothesize that you’re doing you’re very first celebrity impression… Wilson, from Home Improvement! Ok, let’s not stray too far here. While in the womb, yes you could hear sounds, but it was mostly your mother’s heartbeat and muffled sounds vibrating through your mother’s body. So maybe we’ve already been exposed to music at this point. Alright, there is it, article is done now thanks for reading… Nope, let’s make it a rule of this game of “The Very First Time…EVER!” that you couldn’t be inside your mother (shut up). Moving forward, you’re pretending that you’re giving Tim Allen advise through a fence and, all of a sudden, your dad’s cell phone pollutes the air because he forgot to turn it off before watching his child enter the world. Thanks a lot dad, I guess my first song was Yakety Sax being sung by chicken voices. And thanks for checking in, grandma, but we’re kind of in the middle of something. (Disclaimer: If you were born in the early 90’s or earlier, cell phones wouldn’t have been an issue, so let’s be thankful for that. And, for all I know, electronic devices aren’t allowed in a delivery room anyway so thank you for being flexible with me while I tell stupid jokes.)

You’ve been delivered. Excellent! They poke here, slap there, wipe this, snip that and so on. What I’d like to know is this: How common is it to hear music playing in the hallways of a hospital? I can’t recall hearing music played publicly anywhere in a hospital but I’ve never been to every single hospital in the whole world. If they did play music it’d be very subtle, and as a dumb little baby you’re worried about what the hell is going on right now, not “Ugh, a slowed-down instrumental version of Hotel California!” Another thing I’d like to know is this: When they put you in that room with all the other babies, (ya know that room where they mix all the babies up to see if people are paying attention?) do they have music playing in there? As a parent and a “customer” of the hospital, would it be bad form to request that my baby listen to something specific I chose? Can I slip my Walkman into the incubator so that my baby’s first experience with music is anything other than Wonderwall as they’re being carried through the lobby?

Side note: I absolutely love the thought of a human being’s first exposure to [the science or art of ordering tones or sounds in succession, in combination, and in temporal relationships to produce a composition having unity and continuity] (definition of “music” according to Merriam-Webster dictionary) being the sound of a loved-one’s voice singing to another. This really hits close to home for me because I remember a specific song my mother used to sing to me before bed when I was a young boy. As a musician today, if I ever play or sing this song or even remind my mother about this song, I can never get past the first line because it brings her to tears. They’re happy tears, but nobody wants to see their mother cry, so I never get to finish. So maybe your first experience with hearing music was the sound of your mother’s voice singing something very special to you as she held you in her arms for the very first time… EVER!

So they release you from baby jail and you’ve finally made it out into the world. We survived birth and we’re feeling great! Let’s assume that my previous scenarios never happened. Our ears have only had the pleasure of hearing the strange ambiance of our surroundings. People sound like adults from the cartoon Peanuts and everything else sounds like a door opening and closing, or the unsettling sounds of a hospital such as continuous beeping and people screaming in agony. But now… I think what we’re about to encounter next could be that special moment where a majority of us get to hear music for the very first time… EVER! This is exciting. I wonder what it could be.

Mom is cradling baby as if she is securing the last Tickle Me Elmo left on the planet. She is helped into the back seat of the vehicle by dad, being sure that everybody is comfortable and safe in their respective seats. After nine months of pregnancy, dad knows by now that if he accidentally pinches the skin of her hip with the seat belt he will surely be sent back to the streets where he belongs. Click. Safe! Dad then swiftly makes his way around the car to the driver’s seat, his first brief moment of solitude after several stressful hours of hurry-up-and-wait while being surrounded by family and hospital staff. With this tiny window of time all to himself, what is going through his mind? Probably something like, “Wow, I’m a father!” or maybe he’s a dick and thinking, “Great, now I have to actually make full stops at stop signs.” Or perhaps he’s thinking (and there might be a very small percentage of us who would take one second to ponder this), “This is our first time alone as a family, together. There should be a soundtrack for this special occasion.” Let’s hope you don’t get caught in this powerful situation unprepared.

There it is, straight from my imagination to yours: a loose narration of the first leg of our lives. I’ve begun painting this picture and now I want you to take it from here. Together, we can hold our lives under a microscope set to “age regression” hoping that we can zoom in on when we were enlightened with the phenomenon of music for the very first time… EVER!

(If you are a believer that one can move from womb to hospital to vehicle to your new home without catching even a teensy glimpse of music, I would love to hear from you. I know it’s possible, but what are the chances? Let us discuss!)

-KY